I recently attended a ‘stag bash’ for about 5 guys from our old church a couple of weeks ago. It is amazing to see them give their lives
like a lamb to the slaughter willingly and commit their lives to women they have confused dated for long enough to be convinced that these are the women they would like to spend the rest of their lives with. We gathered at the home of Debbie and Sammy Mate who I am sure have had their share of ‘big family’ jokes. They have four sons. This must be why some times Sammy is referred to as ‘Father Abraham’. I will not unduly take advantage to continue caning them about their many kids, ok, only once more then I move on. On their wall they have a picture that I thought was one of those pictures people take at Nyayo Stadium during AFC/Gor football matches of a cross-section of the spectators. On closer look I found it was actually their family photo. Ok, enough of that.
Sammy, myself and several other ‘wazees’ were invited to share words of wisdom to the soon to be
victims newly-married men. I think three of the five will be getting married this weekend. Sammy shared these questions that they should ensure they never allow themselves to be asked by their wives. You know the kind of questions you are asked in a phone conversation and then you ‘interrupt’?
“Hello, hello? I can’t hear you clearly! You’re breaking, can I call you back?”
Men know exactly what I am talking about. So what are these questions
1.What are you thinking about?
Now, this is not your usual ‘Facebook Status’ what’s on your mind question. At least Facebook will be satisfied with whatever response you give it. Women will just never believe you if you say “nothing”. No woman believes a man can actually think of nothing. Yet almost all men will agree that we do this all the time. Sammy talked of a time when he was driving to some place with his wife and kids. He asked his first-born son Yanza that same question. Without hesitation Yanza answered “Nothing!”. And Sammy was excited to prove to his wife that someone else can actually give the same answer he had. The ‘best save’ answers are
“Oh, I was thinking how happy I am being married to you all these years”
“Oh, just how much I love you”
“how pretty you are”
2.Do you love me?
One man is noted to have answered “Of course I do and if anything changes I will let you know”. It is not known whether this man is still alive. Another decided to put it down on a poster on the kitchen wall and told his wife to look at it whenever she had doubts. Of course it is these kind of responses that have drastically shortened many marriages if not men’s lives.
The only right answer is “Yes!” The more emphatic and unhesitant the better. Trust me!, just answer first and very fast, think about it later. If possible hold her hand gently and suggest that it was exactly what was on your mind the moment she asked. Of course we all know that you had absolutely nothing on your mind. (see above). Do not, under any circumstances, try to make your short answer more detailed, better or to elaborate. This is slippery ground and more men have hurt themselves here than out there skiing in the alps.
3.Do I look fat?
Woooooooiii, this is worse than a minefield. Be very careful not to say what you are thinking. Say “No!” very very quickly and try as much as possible and as quickly as possible change the topic. If you feel you are about to laugh, run out of the room quickly. Don’t say things like “compared to what?” or “Define fat”. Some men can even smell the question before it is asked and can even preempt it with another question, “Whoa, you look great, have you lost some weight? I like…”
4.Do you think she is prettier than me?
Even if the “she” here is Halle Berry or Janet Jackson, do not hesitate to say “No!” Again do this as emphatically, swiftly and matter-of-factly as you can. After that again you quickly change the topic. Try this. “No! I’m going to Nakumatt, can I get you anything?” Don’t say anything else that you think would be nice like, “I doubt”, “At your age she will look terrible” or “Yeah but I prefer you”. Talking about the weather may be appropriate especially if you are sweating profusely. If you have children, you can pretend to have heard a noise and dash out to the kids’ room to ‘see’ what’s wrong.
5.Do I look prettier in this dress or that one?
This is probably the least life-threatening of them all. But here is the deal. Just make sure you have a good memory. Remember what you picked before. Mark one dress/outfit and make it your favorite. Always choose it whenever faced with it as one of the options. Do not ever forget it. Of course you know that you will be wrong no matter which one you choose. She will try to convince you to choose the other one and give you reasons which you must agree with.
So those are the questions. Of course the most dreaded phrase your woman will say to you is
“We need to talk”
And people say women are complicated! What do you think?